I have figured out the “he’s not into you” and other things to try to better myself. I problem is this. Why can’t I attract a viable man?
I either get the ones who ghost me or the ones who clearly need to grow up. I admit I have stopped dating apps as I am frustrated but I just seem to be attracting these knuckleheads without even trying.
If it’s me I wanna fix it but I’m lost how.
There is a myriad of reasons why this might be happening.
Dating sucks - The cycle of matching, messaging, meeting then ghosting has become the norm. You can do everything right and still experience this sort of behavior. The more dependent we become on technology we more we lack accountability when it comes to relationships. We simply don’t consider one-dimensional representations are real or human. Last week, I received a booking request through Rover. The woman wanted me to care for her Golden Retriever. We set up a time and place for our dogs to meet to ensure compatibility. She rescheduled the night before to later in the week. I confirmed the night before and she replied and told me she’d meet me at our designated spot. I texted the morning of to give her my address as we were meeting in front of my building. I stood out in nineteen degrees with Luca, waiting. She never showed or responded to any of my texts. Sound familiar? It’s my belief that people now assume if they don’t respond to messages that’s their way of communicating a lack of interest. I don’t have a problem with ghosting as long as the ghosting doesn’t inconvenience someone. That’s just rude.
You’re prioritizing superficial criteria and not focusing on substance - Let’s be honest. We give attractive and charming people more leeway than those that are average. It’s great to have things in common with your match. Shared interests help people bond. To ensure your match isn’t shallow or lacking in integrity, you need to dig deeper. Come up with a vetting process that allows you to learn if you and your match have the same relationship goals and core values.
You’re struggling with repetition compulsion - This is a psychological term that means you repeat the same behavior over and over as a way to heal a core wound. Can you think of an experience you feel profoundly informed your decisions or behavior? Did you find closure? Are you triggered by certain behavior associated with the trauma? My Dad wasn’t the most emotionally supportive man. He was also very critical and rarely gave compliments. I was drawn to unavailable men because subconsciously I was trying to make one of these emotionally withholding men love and accept me. Then I could finally feel good enough. I was also trying to heal my abandonment wound from losing my mother at such a young age.
You have toxic dating patterns - Everybody dates their share of douchebags. However, if you’re exclusively attracting or gravitating towards those types, it’s not a coincidence. You’re the common denominator. Assess your past few entanglements and see if you can find any similarities between the men or the relationships themselves. Do those commonalities resemble any other relationship - familial, romantic, or otherwise? You could be drawn to these ill-suited people because their dysfunction feels normal to you.
You don’t actually want a relationship - Never underestimate the power of societal pressure and its effects on human behavior. Maybe nothing is working out because you’re subconsciously seeking unsavory partners so you have an excuse not to date them seriously? To determine if this is the case you’ll have to do some soul-searching. Consider the possibility you actually like your man-free life and are only dating because you’ve been programmed to believe you should.
To get to the root of this, you’re going to have to do a deep dive into your romantic past to look for patterns; figure out what you really want, why, and if it’s attainable; and determine if you have any unresolved trauma that needs to be addressed.
There’s no quick fix here, I’m afraid. To remedy the situation, you’re going to need to do the inner work.
I’ll close on a personal note. Yesterday, I found a lump on my dog’s stomach. I took her to the vet today and they took a sample to biopsy. I’m so grateful I am in a position (thanks to coaching, content creation & my dog care business) where should she need surgery I’ll be able to provide that for her. I don’t think it will come to that but if it should we’re ready. Oddly enough, the lump is where her breasts should be. I kind of checked out while the vet was talking but I distinctly recall hearing her use the word “mammary.” Given my family history of my mom and sister dying from breast cancer, wouldn’t that just be fitting? Similar to my Mom and sister, who both had multiple pregnancies, one late in life *waves* the vet said if Luca were younger and hadn’t been over-bred, she would have assumed it was a lipoma (a lump of fat cells, basically.) Because Luca was older and had so many puppies, they wanted to biopsy the lump. So now my dig might have breast cancer. You can’t make this shit up.
If you could all send some pawsitive vibes my way it would be greatly appreciated. She’s a tough old broad like her Mom so - whatever this turns out to be - we’ll face it together head-on.