I’m reaching out because I need some perspective on something that’s been bothering me for a while. I’m 37, single, and I’ve always been okay with that. I love my independence and genuinely enjoy my life. But lately, I’ve started to feel like an outsider in my own friend group, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’m the only one who’s not in a relationship.
Most of my friends are either married or in long-term relationships, and I’ve noticed that I’m not being included in as many gatherings as I used to be. There are dinners, game nights, and weekend trips that I only find out about after the fact—usually when someone posts pictures on social media. When I bring it up casually, they say things like, “Oh, it was just a couples’ thing,” or, “We didn’t think you’d want to come since it was mostly couples.”
It’s not like I’ve ever made a big deal about being single or acted uncomfortable around their partners. In fact, I’ve always gotten along great with everyone. But now, it feels like my relationship status is some kind of barrier, and it’s starting to hurt. I get that couples sometimes want to do their own thing, but when it’s every event, it starts to feel personal.
I’m not looking to have kids or get married just to “fit in,” but I can’t shake the feeling that my single status makes me seem like the odd one out. It’s frustrating because I know I bring value to these friendships beyond whether or not I have a partner.
Thanks for any advice you can give.
The first thing you need to do is stop judging yourself for having feelings. Wanting to be treated with kindness and consideration does not mean you're being needy. You have a right to your emotions.
If you're worried that expressing your thoughts to your friends would alter their perception of you, they are not your friends. A true friend would allow you the space to share how their actions are affecting you. Minimizing your feelings is done to avoid accountability. They know what they're doing by leaving you out of plans is hurtful. They're fully cognizant of that fact.
They're lying when they say they excluded you to spare your feelings. It's not your discomfort they anticipated. It was theirs. Logically, that excuse doesn't make sense. Including you would cause awkwardness, but excluding you wouldn't? Their actions are incongruous. They don't want you to feel bad, so they do something that makes you feel bad. The math ain't math-ing.
Perhaps that's why they're not inviting you; they want you to feel left out, just like they did at one point. It's their way of reveling in their new relationship status. They want to be smug about it but can't if you're there. To them, exclusive get-togethers sans their singleton friends are a rite of passage that single people must endure if they want to be part of the club.
Inevitably, someone who has struggled to find a partner (or someone who has always had one) will gush and brag during the honeymoon phase. It's normal. As their friends, we're happy for them. But there's a limit to how much humblebragging they're allowed before they're considered obnoxious.
To play Devil's Advocate, do you feel confident you don't give the impression you're unenthused when they talk about their significant other? You should start there if you choose to bring this up. Back them into a corner. Ask them if you've said or done anything to imply you resented their new relationship. If they say no, drop the bomb and ask why they don't count you in when making plans. Take their excuse away from them before they can use it.
I also want to make clear that it's perfectly okay if you struggle to hide your feelings of longing or sadness when they go on about their new boo. As your friend, they should be in tune with you and know if you're in the headspace to listen to them share the details of their romantic weekend/dinner/date. On the flip side, as their friend, you should afford them some grace should they be oblivious at first.
Only you know if these friendships are worth salvaging. Sadly, friendships can fade when one or both parties move into different life phases. It's hard not to internalize that and think you did something to encourage the split. Not every friendship can weather the common transitions that adults experience. My mother used to say that you would be lucky if you had one good friend, and I agree. Friendships, like romantic relationships, require tending if you want them to thrive and survive. Spending that much effort two, three, and four times over is hard.
Should you approach your friends, I would appropriately manage your expectations. They might feel it's safe to discard the friendship because they have the airbag of a loving partner. They may also get defensive because you're speaking up for yourself. I wouldn't ghost a long-time friendship. To quote Carrie Bradshaw from one of my favorite Sex and The City scenes ever:
"We just want an ending to our relationship that is thoughtful and decent and honors what we had together."
That way, you can walk away knowing they can't say you no longer speak because you were jealous or contemptuous.
Also, consider that it's not that they outgrew you but that you outgrew them. Could it be possible that you've become so at peace being on your own that you no longer relate to people who aren't single? We're sold this toxic narrative that finding a life partner is the brass ring to reach for instead of happiness and self-acceptance. Considering we live in a society that does everything it can to prevent women from liking themselves, that's a far more valuable goal. You’re not required to remain in a situation that doesn’t serve you.
Remember, anyone can find a relationship. The same can't be said when determining our purpose outside marriage and children.
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