I was on a first date recently. We were getting along great, and I thought there might be something real there. I excused myself to go to the lady's room, and when I returned, he'd already paid the check. My drink was still half-full. He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye. The next day, he dropped this bombshell in a text: he can’t see us going any further because I’m "too heavy" for him like it was no big deal.
I was so shocked I didn’t even know how to respond. I blocked him everywhere. I hate how much it’s gotten under my skin.
Should I have stood up for myself?
First of all, let's take a moment to process the audacity. A man told you your weight was why he couldn't date you? Incredible. Imagine being that bold and that shallow—like, sir, how's the weather on your high horse?
Male entitlement deludes men into believing they are allowed carte blanche when it comes to women, especially our bodies. I'm sure he justified his radical honesty, telling himself he was doing you a favor. That he was gifting you with his insight to help you. In his mind, women exist to appeal to the male gaze. Therefore, they should be enlightened about what men like him want. There's just one problem with that.
Men are not a monolith.
This man does not get to decide what all men find attractive. He is allowed to have personal preferences. I would suggest that he and anyone else perform some introspection and determine the origin of each preference, keeping a special focus on the ones related to physical appearance.
We are not born with a tendency toward a particular hair color, race, or body type; those are learned behaviors. They are borne from what we see and hear as we mature. Yes, everyone is allowed to like what they like, but let's stop pretending that certain preferred criteria aren't rooted in bias and bigotry. It is. Many reading this will shake their heads in dismay and insist it's untrue. I would counter by saying an unconscious prejudice is still prejudice. We are constantly being conditioned to gravitate towards one thing over the other. This kind of messaging is so prevalent that we often don't realize what our brains are encoding and what they're discarding. It could be as simple as a "joke" passed by a classmate or a facial expression made by a cashier at a store. It doesn't have to be blatant to make a lasting impression.
Here's the thing: someone using your weight as an excuse to reject you says way more about them than it ever will about you. It screams, "I lack depth and emotional intelligence!" You should thank them for exposing themselves early because now you know not to waste any more time trying to impress someone whose appreciation only goes skin-deep. Or waist-deep, in this case.
But let's get practical. How should you respond? If he was dumb enough to say what he said out loud (or in writing, which is worse), then it's unlikely anything you'll say will get through to him. There's also the chance he thrives off hurting women, so a reaction would signify to him that his poisoned arrow hit the bullseye. Reply to his text might encourage him to respond to continue this nonexistent argument.
If you're feeling spicy, you could hit him with, "What an odd thing to say. Best of luck." Short, sweet, and devastatingly accurate. The best insults aren't insults at all but rather seeds of self-doubt. If you're in a kinder mood (bless your heart), you could say, "Thanks for being honest. I deserve someone who values all of me, and you're clearly not it." This sends a clear message: you respect yourself too much to grovel for crumbs of approval.
The compassionate truth is this: the right person won't care about the number on a scale. They'll care about your laugh, your energy, the way you care about others. If someone can't see past your size, it's not your job to shrink yourself to fit into their tiny, superficial worldview.
Life’s too short to waste trying to please someone who thinks love comes with a weight limit. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
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